This Is Where We Are Right Now

So sometime last week, husband mentions ordering something off of Amazon—just talking generally.

I go, “What’d ya order?”

He goes, “I’m not telling you,” with a little bit of attitude, emphasis on the YOU, like I’m not allowed to know about it.

I look at him blankly.

He goes on to say, “Yeah, you know, there’s this holiday that’s coming up in a few days...”

I continue to look at him blankly, but now I’m wracking my brain trying to figure it out. I was born April first, is that here again already? There's no lit-up tree in the corner...how long was I asleep for...have I Rip Van Winkled my way into late March 2021? Or Christmas?  What the actual FUCK?

I had NO BLOODY IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why my family could have gotten out of Mother’s Day this year.

I mean, I have NEVER been so “what the fuck” in my life as I am right now. And I have been “what the fuck” many, many, many a time. Yesterday, honest to God, I was trying to decide whether it was Thursday or Monday. I’m serious. (It was neither, by the way.)

“Doesn’t matter,” you say, but it does. It DOES. Trash goes to the curb Monday night, recycling on Thursday night. Still happening. (Just thought you might need a comforting little reminder that there’s still a civilization, kind of.)

And my very large, brawny 14-year-old-son likes to run around completely naked, any day, any season, so I must bid you a civil adieu pretty soon and tend to that. He doesn't understand how many years ago that stopped being adorable, and also, he does not care. One thing about autism, or at least Calvin's kind of autism...no body image issues WHATSOEVER. Free as a bird. Calvin’s 16-year-old sister, Grace, on the other hand, would gladly lead a campaign to have her beloved brother neutered so she doesn’t have to spend so much time averting her gaze and washing her eyes.

“Pants on, Calvin. PANTS ON!!!!”

You’re likely to hear that uttered, muttered, or screamed at any time of any day around here. Naked knows no calendar.

Maybe we should all be naked. There are protesters that want to end the quarantine. Here’s an idea. Protest naked. There are about 3 or 4 humans on the planet that anybody would want to see naked. The rest of us, no-ho-ho. Bet that would do the trick. “Jesus Christ, put your clothes back on and YES you can go back into Starbuck’s. For the love of God, COVER THAT UP!”

And this is where we are right now. At least here in my head. You can come in if you like, but it can get wild in here. Maybe show up naked...if you're a dude whose last name happens to be Hemsworth...otherwise Friday casual is fine...